guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
