i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
