alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
