I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
