I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize