this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
