did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
