that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
