Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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