If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
