took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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