Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
