I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My dick has a subreddit
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
