the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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