my soul wont recognize me after tonight
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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