Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
