thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
