i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
