Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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