Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
