I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
