Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Soap is not a condiment
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
