I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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