If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
