she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
