I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
