"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
my poor anus
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
