Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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