I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
