Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
