I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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