sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
