we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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