Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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