I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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