I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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