I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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