I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
