Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
