it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
