I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
