I cannot find my penis.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize