They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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