There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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