in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
