Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
