I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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