So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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