So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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