can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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