i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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