I wish I could punch you in the face.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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