Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize