And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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