today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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