When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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