Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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