Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
