you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
